The Arizona Sports Suicide Squad

(Photo Courtesy: Warner Bros.)

One of the most anticipated movies of the  summer is Suicide Squad, which opens this weekend. While the reviews have been so-so (I personally thought it was pretty solid), this flick is sure to bring in A LOT of money. While I was sitting there munching (inhaling) popcorn, the sports journalist in me came out, and I started seeing certain Arizona sports figures within the characters. Without further ado, I give you the Arizona Sports Suicide Squad:

Deadshot

Played By: Will Smith
Arizona Equivalent: Raja Bell
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(Photo courtesy: Warner Bros., Fox Sports)

Deadshot doesn’t miss. From long-range, short-range, if they need a shot taken, Deadshot is your man. He also isn’t afraid to mix it up with some prison guards and throw some clotheslines.

Bell is infamous for the Planet Orange forearm on Kobe Bryant, and he is also an expert marksman, shooting the second-best 3-point percentage in franchise history.

*Editor’s Note: I looked at Devin Booker for this role for a long time, but Bell’s grittiness and reputation eventually swayed me. Deadshot Devin would be a pretty sick nickname though, right?*

Harley Quinn 

Played By: Margot Robbie
Arizona Equivalent: Rob Gronkowski
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(Photo Courtesy: Warner Bros., NESN)

“We’re bad guys; that’s what we do.” Harley Quinn knows what she is: a criminal, a psychopath, a bad guy. She owns it and uses it to her advantage. She may seem unassuming, but she will put you on your butt if she gets the shot.

Gronk knows who he is. He’s, well, Gronk. The former Arizona Wildcat is a fan-favorite for his big spikes, partying ways and fun-loving attitude. Plus, like Quinn’s hair, he can rock the red and blue.

Amanda Waller 

Played By: Viola Davis
Arizona Equivalent: Bruce Arians
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(Photo Courtesy: Warner Bros., azcentral)

Waller is the mastermind behind the Suicide Squad. She thinks outside the box, is ruthless when necessary and can stand in front of a bunch of psychopaths and not even flinch.

Remember when the Cardinals sealed their divisional round playoff game against the Packers with a shovel pass to Larry Fitzgerald? Outside the box. Check. Arians cut a player for parking in his parking spot. Ruthless when necessary. Check. How many times have you seen a Bruce Arians stonefaced soundbite in front of a bunch of media members, who, let’s face it, have a screw loose? Check. Check. Check.

Killer Croc

Played By: Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje
Arizona Equivalent: Calais Campbell
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(Photo Courtesy: Warner Bros., azcentral)

Croc thrives in the sewer. He is a force who is trouble for anyone within his reach. He’s one of the quieter members of the Suicide Squad, but lands some good jokes and powerful lines when he opens his mouth.

Where the sewer is Croc’s home, Campbell’s home is in the backfield. Standing at 6-foot-8 and 300 pounds, Campbell has been one of the most difficult players to contain. He isn’t one of the biggest talkers on the Cardinals, but All or Nothing showed he can be vocal at the right times and show his fun personality.

Katana

Played By: Karen Fukuhara
Arizona Equivalent: Paul Goldschmidt
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(Photo Courtesy: Warner Bros., azcentral)

The agent who is one of the babysitters of the Suicide Squad doesn’t talk much. She only has a handful of lines in the movie and likes to keep to herself, but she is VERY efficient with a sword.

Goldschmidt is lethal with the bat, which is kind of sword-shaped, right? Plus, he is the epitome of the player who lets his game speak for himself. He’s America’s first baseman, but not one to try to rock the boat with his soundbites.

Diablo

Played By: Jay Hernandez
Arizona Equivalent: 2014 Mike Bercovici
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(Photo Courtesy: Warner Bros., azcentral)

Diablo conjures up fire from his hands and can decimate multiple foes at one time. He has limited opportunities to use his powers, but when he does, it is in a big, big way.

Mike Bercovici waited behind Taylor Kelly for years before he eventually got his opportunity when Kelly went down with an injury. For the next three games, Berco threw nothing but fire including the infamous Jael Mary to beat USC. The Sun Diablo (see what I did there?) quarterback threw for 998 yards in his first two starts, a NCAA record.

Rick Flag

Played By: Joel Kinnaman
Arizona Equivalent: Shane Doan
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(Photo Courtesy: Warner Bros., azcentral)

Flag is in charge of the Suicide Squad. He is the leader and not afraid to mix it up a little bit with villains, whether they are a part of his “squad” or not. His top priority is to keep everyone in check and is crazy loyal to the mission, as well as his love interest, no matter what she may do.

Who is more loyal than Shane Doan? Captain Coyote has stuck with the team for 20 years even when there have been multiple questions around the franchise’s future.

AND he has delivered time and time again.

Slipknot 

Played By: Adam Beach
Arizona Equivalent: Richie Sexson
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(Photo Courtesy: Warner Bros., AZSnakePit)

Slipknot does one thing really well: tie knots. SPOILER: He isn’t around for long.

Richie Sexson’s highlights in the desert are summed up in one play: a booming home run that scuffed up the Bank One Ballpark scoreboard. Then, he gets injured and *poof*, he is off to Seattle. He was with the Snakes for a total of 23 games, which is like 20 minutes in movie years.

Boomerang 

Played By: Jai Courtney
Arizona Equivalent: Paul Bissonnette
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(Photo Courtesy: Warner Bros., Arizona Coyotes)

Boomerang isn’t one of the headliners in the Suicide Squad. He has some lethal (you guessed it) boomerangs but when stacked up against a character like Deadshot or Harley Quinn, he isn’t a character many knew entering the film. His wit is what makes him memorable. He might be a little crazy and loves to have some fun.

Paul Bissonnette was a fan favorite when with the Coyotes. Mainly on the third line, Biznasty was a must-follow on Twitter and was always a fun interview.

Well, there you have it, The Arizona Sports Suicide Squad. They may be a rag-tag group, but they’re a lot of fun.

Want to hear which team best resembles the Suicide Squad? Listen to Jared Cohen and Greg Esposito make their picks on the Dry Heat Check.